So beautiful! So fat!

I'm not sure how this happened, but I have managed to sign up for every event at the "sports meeting" that is being held "maybe some day in November". I don't know what exactly this means, but I'm fairly certain I have to run at least twice and throw something. I also don't know when exactly this meeting is going to take place, but I do know this: I get free clothes.
Last week I got a slip of paper from the newspaper lady that was covered in characters with "Coleman" printed at the top. I suspected that this meant I had something to pick up from the post office, and after an unnecessarily long and painful conversation with Maggie it turns out I was right. On Thursday I had a few hours off in the afternoon so I decided to try and get my mail. Because I don't know where the post office is, and I'm nearly certain they won't speak English, this would almost certainly be an adventure. As I was walking out of the school gates to get on the bus, the principal, Mr. James, pulled up out of nowhere in his van and hollered, "Amelia! Where are you going?"
"The post office"
"Mmmm, okay, get in."
So there I was, in a van with Mr. James, Perfect (remember him?), and two people I don't know, going to the post office. Presumably we were going to go somewhere else too, but no one bothered to tell me.
When we got to the post office Mr. James sent Perfect in with me, and it's a good thing he did. In order to pick up my mail I had to fill out some form (written entirely in Chinese, of course) and make a photocopy of my passport. This would have likely been impossible if I had been there by myself.
Package in hand we got back in the van where they finally told me what part two of the trip would be: shopping. The explained to me about sports day (which I had already signed up for earlier in the day) and told me that we were going to pick out a sports outfit that all the teachers get for the occasion.
This shopping took took two hours in two locations, totally in Chinese. Needless to say I was pretty bored, but I definitely know the word for "pants" now (kuzi 裤子). Eventually some decision must have been made because we were back in the van heading home. On the way out the door someone stopped and bought some juice drinks for all of us. I had no idea what it was, but no matter how many times I said that they insisted on asking "How do you say this in English?" We eventually settled on: it is something that sugar is made out of and it comes from Cuba.

Fast-forward to a few minutes ago, when I was summoned by Maggie with the usual "Amelia! Okay, let's go". As we walked she explained that we get free clothes and shoes for sports day, so I need to tell them my size. "Maybe you can get the men's clothes," she giggled. "Maybe," I said through a gritted-teeth smile. She has made this joke before and, given the clothing situation in China, it should be funny. However, as the resident freak-of-nature it's a little irritating to have these sentiments vocalized.
When we got there I was immediately the focus of gaped-mouth attention from the kitchen staff who were almost done trying on stuff. I'm not sure why they were so intrigued because they literally see me every single day. Anyway, I was handed a men's XXL shirt which was waaay to big and then a medium which was fine. They then held up a medium pair of women's pants which were laughably small. No, we all agreed and someone stuck their foot next to mine to compare sizes.
Soon a pair of shoes showed up that (shockingly) fit! Then they decided that I needed a women's shirt, not a men's, and my women's size is definitely a XXXL. I told them that I'm sure that XL would be just fine, but they insisted that there is another woman in the school that is as fat as me and she's getting an XXXL. Yup, they called me fat.
So my XXXL shirt, XXL pants, and shoes are ordered, and I'm still not entirely sure why my presence was necessary since I didn't actually have a say in any of it. As for being called the f-word: I'm not that upset, I guess, since I think they are a little confused about the differences between and connotations of "fat"and "big" and "tall" and "strong". And even if they meant it, I do get told that I'm "so beautiful" every single day, so a good "you're fat" every once in a while just keeps my ego from over-inflating.